5 Ways To Ask For Consent When Sexting
Thinking about your special someone but can’t actually be with them IRL? Wondering how you can let them know you’re thinking of them? Let’s talk about sexting.
Sexting is the act of sending sexual messages, photos or videos and is a great way to spice up your sex life.
Firstly, let’s talk about who can engage in sexting. In Australia, it is illegal to exchange explicit content with minors (under 18 years old).
Now if you’re reading this and over 18, let’s talk sexting basics. Before you start, it’s a good idea to ask for their consent before sending that risqué message, and to set some ground rules. Examples of ground rules are:
When is it a good time to sext (they might not find it so red hot to get it at work)?
What platform/medium are you using?
Are faces in the material?
Do you have to delete it immediately?
Can you show other people?
Can you screenshot?
How do you want to handle it if you decide to part ways?
Once you both understand your ground rules, let’s discuss how to ask for consent when sexting. Remember: consent is not a once off concept. You must ask for consent every time you want to sext, and even during sexting. Just like in real life sexual experiences, your sexual partner must consent to whatever it is you’re doing.
Ok, now that the basics of consent are out of the way, how do you actually ask for consent? How do you ask for it in a way that builds the mood? Here are our top 5 ways to ask for consent when sexting:
Let them know that they’re on your mind
Even just telling your sexual partner that they’re on your mind is a turn on! The question is how to phrase it without sounding awkward. Our personal favourite goes a little like this: “I’m imagining some things I’d like to do to you in my head. Want to hear them? 😉”. Emojis can be flirty and fair game. Remember it’s important to ask for consent, and to phrase it in a way that gives the other person a chance to say no when asking for consent.
If you’re in a longer-term relationship, another favourite of ours is: “I’ve been replaying our last time in my head. Want to go over it in text right now?”. Bringing up the good times is sure to get your sexual partners’ heart racing, and by asking them to join you in your wild thoughts, you’re leaving room for them to answer honestly.
Had a dream about them recently?
Another sure-fire way to get the sexting convo started is by telling them what made you think of them in the moment. We like to say this: “I had a dirty dream about you last night. Do you want to know what happened?”. Again, opening the sexting conversation with a question on whether this is a good time for them to receive sexts, or even if they want to receive it at all is a good way to ensure you’re on the same page.
So, you’ve got something specific you’d like to do
Have you got something in mind that you’d like them to do? Maybe you’ve recently read some erotica or seen a sex scene in a movie that you think is hot. We think you could say something like this: “I just watched a movie and saw a sex scene I want to try. Do you want to hear what happened?”. We think this is a great way to open a convo on new things you’d like to try. The little taster in the opening sentence gives the other person a chance to better understand what they’d be consenting to.
You’ve ordered something new for the bedroom
So, you’ve just ordered some lingerie, some fresh bed sheets or some fancy toys – how do you bring it up? Why not open the conversation like this: “I just got something in the mail that I think you’ll find really sexy. Want to see what it is?”.
The key word being ‘see’ in this text lets your sexual partner know that you’d like to engage in a more visual type of sexting. It’s a good idea to give them the heads up that you want to engage in this type of medium in case they’re not in an environment where it’s appropriate. It also gives them a chance to say ‘no’ if it’s just not something that turns them on.
What if you’re just bored and want to have some individual fun
Last but not least, our favourite type of consensual sexting is where you both engage in mutual (but separate) masturbation. A simple way to ask your sexual partner is: “I’m alone and I want to release some tension. Want to help me get there?”. We like this text since it’s covert enough to not draw attention and still lets your partner decide if they’re up for the type of activity you want to engage in.
In these times of physical distancing, digital consent is so important. Remember, when it comes to sexting, make sure you have some ground rules down before you start anything to protect you and your sexual partner. And don’t forget, have lots of (safe) fun!
Consent Labs is a collective of women, working to spark conversations with young adults about consent and respectful relationships. We envision a world where women feel confident and empowered in their sexual experiences. Join us in sparking a conversation!
Follow us on @consentlabs or find us at